I had a weird sort of realization recently about some anger that I’ve been carrying around for some time now. Up until that moment of realization, I had seen myself and completely justified in my anger. It has become such a good comforting friend over the past few months that I almost feel threatened at the thought that I should lay it down and walk away.
I’m not saying that I suddenly believed that my anger was not justified. I still think that I had a right to be angry… but I think that my license expired months ago. I need to let it go and move on. Anger isn’t good for anybody, not for the person on the receiving end of the anger and even worse for the person that is carrying the anger around. I know this, but it’s often hard to see what’s right in front of your face or, in this case, in the mirror.
I do remember reaching a point a few months ago where I was tired of carrying it around before and wanted to let it go because it was weighing me down. But I don’t think that I saw it in the same way as I do now. Then I was just tired, I didn’t worry about it anymore. But now I see it as a personal failure that I have not been able to let it go and spend effort on more important things. So much wasted energy! For what!?!
Now, I know that I can’t magically make things all better (nor should I have to), but I need to do something to heal myself. I must work to consciously not pick up the anger again. I need to put down the anger and walk away because it’s sapping my strength, and I need that energy for more important things.